Movie Review: Cats

Cats * / *****

Directed by: Tom Hooper.

Written by: Lee Hall and Tom Hooper based on the poetry collection by T.S. Eliot and the musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Starring: James Corden (Bustopher Jones), Judi Dench (Old Deuteronomy), Jason Derulo (Rum Tum Tugger), Idris Elba (Macavity), Jennifer Hudson (Grizabella), Ian McKellen (Gus The Theatre Cat), Taylor Swift (Bombalurina), Rebel Wilson (Jennyanydots), Francesca Hayward (Victoria), Laurie Davidson (Mr. Mistoffelees), Robbie Fairchild (Munkustrap), Mette Towley (Cassandra), Steven McRae (Skimbleshanks), Danny Collins (Mungojerrie), Naoimh Morgan (Rumpleteazer), Ray Winstone (Growltiger). 

 

Is Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Cats always this bad? This borderline unwatchable? I know there have been many jokes made about Cats over the years – I remember the ones on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt for instance – but something that has run for as many decades as Cats, and has such a following, surely cannot be this awful can it? Watching Tom Hooper’s film version, I could not help but wonder how this plays on a stage, and if it really could be any better than this? It has to be right? What is wrong with Cats, the film, goes well beyond the much mocked digital fur technology. Basically, well, everything. Everything in this movie is terrible – the acting, the songs, the visual effects, etc. Only Taylor Swift emerges unscathed – she somehow shows up for one song, late in the film, and finds the absolute perfect tone for the song, the perfect delivery, and for a few glorious moments, the film works – or at least comes close. The rest of it, yikes.

 

The story, such as it is, revolves around Victoria (Francesca Howard), a new cat thrown into the streets of London, where she is befriended by some Jellicle cats. What is a jellicle cat you ask? Don’t worry, there are approximately 10 songs about it in this film. We meet some of these cats along the way – they all come up and sing their song about what kind of cat they are, and then, are often whisked away by Macavity (Idris Elba). Because, you see, tonight is the Jellicle ball, and there, Old Deuteronomy (Judi Dench – who has never been worse) will choose one Jellicle cat to ascend to heaven and start a new life, and Macavity is determined he will win this year – and being a criminal, the only way he can is to eliminate the competition. So yes, the movie is basically about a bunch of cats, who one at a time sing a song about what kind of cat they are in the hopes of being chosen to die.

 

This has to work better on stage, right? It cannot be this bad. What I will say for Hooper and company is that they all really do seem committed to this insanity. They dive headlong into it, and don’t come up for air. So if the movie requires Rebel Wilson to bit the heads off of some singing, dancing cockroaches, so be it. If Ian McKellan needs to drink from a saucer of milk, okay. If Judi Dench has to clean herself with her paws, go for it Dame Judi. Everything in the movie is equally garish – the songs, the sets, the visual effects, the performances. I guess you could praise its consistency.

 

Personally, I don’t really like internet pile-ons for movies – they often result in people trying to come up with the cleverest take-down of a movie, and grows so outsized that when I end up seeing the movie, I walk away thinking that while bad, it didn’t deserve the pile on. Cats deserves it. Because even with how garish and weird it all it, it also manages to be boring. It’s the type of film that you almost cannot believe exists, so you watch it just to prove yourself it is real. Cats is very real, and very, very, very bad.