Movie Review: xXx: The Return of Xander Cage

xXx: Return of Xander Cage ** / *****

Directed by: D.J. Caruso.

Written by: F. Scott Frazier based on characters created by Rich Wilkes.

Starring: Vin Diesel (Xander Cage), Donnie Yen (Xiang), Deepika Padukone (Serena Unger), Kris Wu (Nicks), Ruby Rose (Adele Wolff), Tony Jaa (Talon), Nina Dobrev (Becky Clearidge), Rory McCann (Tennyson Torch), Toni Collette (Jane Marke), Samuel L. Jackson (Augustus Gibbons), Ice Cube (Darius Stone), Hermione Corfield (Ainsley), Tony Gonzalez (Paul Donovan), Michael Bisping (Hawk).

 

You know Hollywood’s dependence on franchise movies is bad when they are reviving failed franchises from a decade ago, and acting as it audiences were drooling in anticipation for them. I bet there were not a lot a people out there who could have told you what Vin Diesel’s character’s name in 2002’s xXx was – but the third film in the franchise acts as if it’s a huge deal – including it right in the title, as if we remember who that is, much as they did with the Pitch Black sequel The Chronicles of Riddick. I honestly don’t remember much about 2002’s xXx, other than the fact that it was goofy fun, and it was one of the few times a Hollywood cast the great Asia Argento in a movie – had the movie been called xXx: The Return of Yelena, and starred her, than I’d get excited. I remember even less about the 2005 sequel xXx: State of the Union, that starred Ice Cube, when Diesel decided he didn’t want to do another movie – around the same time he decided he wanted out of another franchise that he would later return to – The Fast and the Furious – but that he did want keep the Riddick movies going. (It was also, to be fair, around the time Diesel delivered his best ever performance, in the late/great Sidney Lumet’s Find Me Guilty a film that, like Diesel’s other attempts for a non-action movie acting career, seemed to be ignored). Anyway, I bet no one not watching TBS on random Saturday afternoons has given the xXx franchise a moment’s thought in the last decade or so – but apparently movie studios have, which is why, 12 years after the failed sequel, we get the third film in the franchise – the triumphant return of Vin Diesel as it were.

 

That paragraph is perhaps a little harsh on the movie – but not entirely inaccurate either. To be fair to the film, it clearly knows it’s ridiculous, and is seeking to be little other than a goofy good time – a way to kill two hours of boredom with a mixture of stunts, explosions and boobs. I suppose if that’s your thing, that xXx: The Return of Xander Cage delivers in fits and starts – but it’s never really able to sustain any of it craziness. A big part of that is Diesel himself – who’s older than he once was, and perhaps not as capable of doing all the same stunts he used to – there is quite clearly a body double used often throughout the film. As well, pretty much every woman he meets immediately wants to fuck him – and I’m not quite sure why. Even James Bond, who in every incarnation is more charming, than Diesel here, had to work harder than Diesel does here to win over the ladies. Still, other than a sequence involving Hermione Corfield – who is 23 but looks a lot younger – who plays a computer hacker in a bikini, with a harem of women for some reason – most of his interactions with women are too silly to be truly offensive. The presence of Ruby Rose as a lesbian sniper helps too, if only because a her raised eyebrow, and a killer use of “that’s what she said” makes you realize how silly the whole thing is. Nina Dobrev’s character – a computer genius, who almost immediately tells Xander Cage her safe word, would likely be more offensive, had the actress herself not been so damn funny and likable in the role. Cage gets a proper love interest in the charming Deepika Padukone as another gun wielding secret agent, but strangely, it never really does anywhere. The other major woman in the cast is Toni Collette, playing the no-nonsense head of triple xXx – following an opening that dispatches the former head, Samuel L. Jackson, far too quickly. Collette is a great actress, and he is clearly having some fun saying her mostly idiotic lines – but doesn’t quite put the same kind of malicious glee into them than Jackson could.

 

There are some good action sequences in the film – almost all of them involving Donnie Yen, a truly special movie martial artist, who manages to survive the rapid fire editing of the action sequence and still impress. Another great movie martial artist – Tony Jaa – is on hand as well, but for what reason, I don’t know – he doesn’t do much. The plot of the movie is some nonsense about a McGuffin everyone wants that does something to satellite or something. Who knows, who cares.

 

I have a hard time truly hating a movie like this – it’s too goofy to hate to be honest. But it’s also rather a cynical movie, and shows the rot at Hollywood’s core. When they make something like this, it really does seem like they’re out of ideas. Still, I suppose they won – the movie may have came out 9 months ago, but I did eventually cave and watch it – wanting to know what the return of Xander Cage would bring. Not much, sadly.