Most Disappointing Films
Not all of
the following films were bad – some were even good – but all left me wanting
more – which can be an even worse experience than simply hating a film.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (Timur
Bekmambetov) should have been a
wonderful guilty pleasure, but never quite finds the right tone. Arbitrage (Nicholas Jarecki) was praised by many, but what I saw was an average thriller, with not
much to get outraged by, and a fine performance by Richard Gere, but was still
forgettable. Antiviral (Brandon
Cronenberg) had such a great premise, that even though it
was Cronenberg Jr.’s first film, I left me feeling let down. Battleship (Peter Berg) is probably better than it had any right to be, but considering how good
Peter Berg can be – and how good Rihanna looks in an army uniform, I couldn’t
help but think it was a missed opportunity.
Being Flynn (Paul Weitz) has two great actors in Paul Dano and Robert
DeNiro, and a fine story, but never quite hits you in the gut like it should. The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (John
Madden) was senior wish fulfillment that wasted a fine cast. Chernobyl Diaries (Bradley Parker) had
a great premise, but the most unimaginative execution possible. Damsels in
Distress (Whit Stillman) was Whit Stillman’s long awaited return to filmmaking, and it wasn’t
worth the wait. Hitchcock (Sacha
Gervasi) doesn’t do the Master justice, with its ridiculous
inventions, and ho-hum casting. Hope Springs (David Frankel) was one of the few films to seriously tackle sexual
issues in a long term relationship – but other than a great Tommy Lee Jones,
has nothing to recommend it (not even Meryl Streep, who was thoroughly
unconvincing as his meek wife). John Carter (Andrew
Stanton) was Pixar genius Andrew Stanton’s live action debut
– and while it’s never boring, it’s never all that involving either. Killing Them Softly (Andrew Dominik) contains
some great performances, and perhaps the best final scene/line of the year, but
is so over directed and pretentious, it left a bad taste in my mouth. Lawless (John Hillcoat) is really
quite entertaining – especially when Tom Hardy and Guy Pearce are involved, but
it’s becoming clear than John Hillcoat may never come close to matching The
Proposition again. The Loneliest Planet
(Julia Loktev) was a beautiful film, but didn’t give me a reason to care
about what was going on. Mirror Mirror
(Tarsem) once again proves Tarsem is a gifted visual director, with no idea
how to tell a story. The Moth Diaries
(Mary Harron) tried hard to be the anti-Twilight, but ended up being just
as lifeless. The Paperboy (Lee Daniels) started
as a fine guilty pleasure, and does contain a great Nicole Kidman performance,
but goes too far, even by its own standards, in the third act. Perfect Sense (David McKenzie) has an
interesting premise, and a good Ewan McGregor performance, but has no idea what
to do with either. Red Hook Summer
(Spike Lee) has a raw intensity that I admired, and a great performance by
Clarke Peters, but never really comes together, and flies off the rails in the
third act. Trishna (Michael
Winterbottom) takes Thomas Hardy’s Tess of the D’Ubervilles and places it
in modern India – but has a blank Freida Pinto and a schizophrenic Riz Ahmed as
the leads, so it’s doomed from the start.
Total Recall (Len Wiseman) is further proof that Paul Verhoeven is a sorely
underrated director, and needs to make more films. Tabu (Miguel Gomes) is beautiful to look, but to me anyway, never
comes together in a meaningful way. 360
(Fernardo Meirelles) is yet more proof that when it comes to Meirelles, the
law of diminishing returns is in full effect.
Bad Films
The
following films were bad – not bad enough for the 10 worst list, but that’s
about all you can say for them.
Act of Valor (Mike McCoy & Scott Waugh) proves why most all non-professional actors should never make a movie. Edwin Boyd:
Citizen Gangster (Nathan Morlando) has a good premise, but is
quite simply the dullest bank robbery story imaginable. The Five Year
Engagement (Nicholas Stoller) can never
decide if it’s a comedy or a drama, and fails at both. 4:44: Last Night on Earth (Abel Ferrara) is an end of the world saga that does nothing new with the tired
concept. Get the Gringo (Adrian Grunburg) was supposed to be a comeback for Mel Gibson, but there is a reason it
went straight to video in North America.
Hello, I Must Be Going (Todd Louiso) has some nice performances, but
doesn’t really know what exactly it’s trying to do. The Intouchables (Olivier
Nakache & Eric Toledano) was an offensively simplistic French
film. Man on a Ledge (Asger Leth) was a ridiculous heist film
with the ever so bland Sam Worthington in the lead. Pitch Perfect (Jason Moore) was like a
bad episode of Glee – and considering I don’t like good episodes of Glee, you
know my feelings on this one. Project X
(Nima Nourizadeh) was a
celebration of everything that is wrong with American culture. The Raven (James
McTeague) has the interesting idea of making Edgar Allan Poe
into a detective, and then does nothing with it. Red Tails (Anthony Hemingway) has some great aerial scenes, but
the dramatic scenes were awful. Rock of Ages
(Adam Shankman) was the dullest musical in
(sorry for this) ages. Salmon Fishing in the
Yemen (Lasse Hallstrom) was a bland,
forgettable would-be romance. The Samaritan
(David Weaver) was the dullest con game imaginable, with a sleepwalking
Samuel L. Jackson. Seeking Justice
(Roger Donaldson) was a barely released, awful thriller with a boring
Nicolas Cage, a comatose January Jones and directed by a guy who should have
known better. The Three Stooges (Peter
& Bobby Farrelly) proves why I am not a fan of the Stooges. Underworld Awakening (Måns Mårlind & Björn Stein) may be the best Underworld film in a while but
that’s not saying much. Wanderlust (David Wain)
has an interesting premise, but takes the easy way
out too often. Womb (Benedek Fliegauf) had
some striking visuals in the service of a forgettable story. Wrath of the Titans (Jonathan Liebsman) was an unnecessary sequel to an unnecessary remake.
The Bottom Ten
10. Klown (Mikkel Norgaard)If Klown proves nothing else, it’s that there are reasons why some lines are not crossed. Some loved this Danish comedy, because it crosses all the lines of good taste – even those that even the sickest gross out comedies in America never do. But the general rule of comedy is nothing is offensive as long as it’s funny – and I sat there stone-faced throughout this movie about two idiots who take a young boy on a canoe trip and expose him to all sorts of inappropriate, lewd sex acts. Most of this is just not funny, and I was bored throughout most of the film. But it’s the film’s final scene that truly crosses all lines of taste that crosses the line between simply not funny and downright offensive and wrong. There are reasons some lines are not crossed – and Klown doesn’t seem to realize that.
9. The Comedy (Rick Alverson)
The Comedy is a film by hipsters, for hipsters that
pretends criticizes hipsters, before trying to make us realize that hipsters are people too. Now, had the film been more honest with itself, and the
audience, it could have been a very good movie. Instead, the movie subjects the
audience to scene after scene of its main character (actually played very well
by Tim Hedecker) being a complete asshole, and mocking anyone who has a job or
actually cares about anything, and scene after scene of him seducing dumb women
with his patented pickup lines of being “hilariously” inappropriate and ironic
(“I’m not saying Hitler was right, but…”).
All this bludgeoning over the audiences head would be bad enough, but
then the movie tries to convince us that this little sociopath is actually a
real guy, with real feelings, and it’s just too painful for him to face them
head on. What a crock of shit.
8. Dark Horse (Todd Solondz)
I have been a longtime supporter of Todd Solondz –
from the days he was a critics darling with films like Welcome to the Dollhouse
and Happiness to his days when he wasn’t with Storytelling, Palindromes and
Life During Wartime. But his latest film, Dark Horse, is quite simply awful. It
is about a 30 something year old man who lives in his parents’ house, works at
his dead’s company (doing nothing) and driving around in a bright yellow hummer
– all the while insisting that he is the “dark horse” and will eventually make
something of himself. He starts dating an equally damaged woman (Selma Blair,
possibly a reincarnation of sorts of her character in Storytelling), but unlike
a Judd Apatow comedy, the love of a good woman doesn’t cure this arrested
development case, in part because she isn’t a good woman, and in part because
he’s hopeless. The film’s bizarre left turn into surrealism in the final act
simply doesn’t work at all. I love Todd Solondz – think he’s one of the most
daring filmmakers in the world right now. But when you risk big, and Solondz
always does, you risk losing big. And this time, Solondz lost big.
7. To Rome with Love (Woody Allen)
Perhaps it was silly of me to think that last
year’s Midnight in Paris represented a true return to form for Woody Allen –
ushering in a new golden age of the master’s work. He followed up one of his
best films ever with quite possibly his worst film ever. To Rome with Love
feels like four half baked, discarded ideas thrown together into one movie in
the hopes that some of it will work – none of it does. Not even a rare
appearance by Woody himself – playing his typical neurotic self – or the
presence of Jessie Eisenberg, who should be one of the best Woody surrogates
available, can save this dud. Part of the reason it doesn’t work is bizarre
casting choices (Alec Baldwin as the voice of reason? Ellen Page as a sexy
seductress?) but mostly it fails because Woody didn’t seem to put too much
thought into any of it. Let’s hope we get more Woody films like Midnight in
Paris, and less like this dud.
6. Hyde Park on the Hudson (Roger Michell)
Bill Murray struggles valiantly but ultimately in
vain to try and save this horrible movie about FDR meeting with the King and
Queen of England on the eve of WWII. That sounds like an interesting story, and
had the movie actually been about that, it may well have been good. Instead,
the movie uses this important event as a mere backdrop to the dullest,
creepiest would-be romance between FDR and his plain Jane cousin (Laura Linney)
who is so passive she’s practically not there at all. Roger Michell is usually
a fine director, but somehow he completely misses on this one – not only is the
movie poorly written, poorly acted (other than Murray), but Michell makes some
extremely awkward editing decisions. The film is supposed to be funny, but
isn’t, is supposed to be romantic, but isn’t, and overall, I’m having trouble
figuring out why it was made at all.
5. Taken 2 (Olivier Megaton)
I didn’t really like the first Taken – it seem so
obvious, blunt, silly and stupid to me, and Maggie Grace delivered the most
annoying performance in recent memory. But Taken 2 makes it look like a
masterpiece by comparison – at least the first film moved! This one spends a
half hour setting everything up, at a painfully slow pace, and when the action
does kick in, it’s even more ridiculous than before (seriously, no one seems to
care that Grace is lobbing grenades all over a crowded city). The villains are
ridiculously one note, Grace is as annoying as ever, and Famke Janssen is even
worse. There is only so much the manliness of Liam Neeson can do – and while he
may be able to save his family, again, he cannot save this movie.
4. 2 Days in New York (Julie Delphy)
Julie Delphy’s 2 Days in New York feels like being
stuck in a small apartment with the most obnoxious, annoying people on the
planet. I may not have liked her 2 Days in Paris all that much, but I don’t
remember it being this shrill or annoying. There are two things that make this
movie even quasi-bearable – Chris Rock, who is the only normal guy in the
movie, and a great scene between Delphy’s character and the real Vincent Gallo,
who has just bought her soul. Everything else in the movie plays like a
writer/director/actress aping Woody Allen circa 1977, and doing a horrible job
of it. Delphy, who can be quite charming, is insufferable here – but not nearly
as insufferable as her family. This movie moves from one shrill, disagreeable
scene to the next until I wanted to run screaming from the theater.
3. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (Mark Neveldine
& Brian Taylor)
The directing duo of Neveldine and Taylor are
perhaps the worst thing to American movies in years. They somehow fooled a lot
of people into liking their vile, racist, sexist and incoherent Crank movies,
but at least most seem to have ignored their last two films – Gamer and this
unnecessary sequel. Nicolas Cage once again makes it hard to be a fan, but this
film has the opposite problem as Seeking Justice. If Cage toned himself down in
that film to match it’s boring, dull pace, than he cranks it up full bore here
and goes wildly over the top. There is very little connecting this to the
previous Ghost Rider film – and they were obviously trying to save on costs,
which explains the low rent no-name, supporting cast, and Eastern European
location. This film is just loud, overlong and incoherent and will hopefully
put in the nail in the coffin of Neveldine and Taylor’s career.
2. 2016: Obama’s America (Dinesh D'Souza
& John Sullivan)
Let me be very clear about something – I think
there is a very real case to be made about the failures of the Obama
Administrations first term. Yes, I was glad he won re-election, but no, the last four years have
been far from perfect. But Dinesh D`Souza`s documentary isn’t an intelligent,
reasoned critique of Obama, but the kind of insane ranting’s you would expect
to hear from some crazy guy on the subway. D`Souza`s main thesis is not that
Obama is a failed President, but that his entire purpose as President is to
destroy America because of his anti-colonist views – that he has no proof of,
but feels that is true because some people Obama knew – including the father he
met twice – had some radical ideas. Liberals should be offended by this movie,
as it is nothing more than a hit job on Obama – and Conservatives should be
offended because it makes them look insane.
1. That's My Boy (Sean Anders)
Adam Sandler can be a fine actor when he wants to
be. In films like Punch-Drunk Love, Reign Over Me and Funny People, he has
shown range and sensitivity. Unfortunately, more often than not he makes films
like That’s My Boy – an offensive, unfunny comedy where Sandler once again dons
one of his silly voices, and thinks he doesn’t have to do anything else to be
funny. The worst part about That’s My Boy is that it could have made a fine
dark comedy had the filmmakers taken the concept – about the child that was the
result of a teacher-student relationship – seriously. Instead, the film makes
one silly, stupid sex joke after another – and wow, raping a 13 year old boy
sure is funny. And so is incest! And Vanilla Ice! I`m actually kind of proud of
the movie going public, who can usually be counted to lap up whatever crap
Sandler slaps his name on, pretty roundly rejected this one. Easily the worst
film of the year.
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